Edwina Russell

Clay's mother passed away Friday, April 18, 2008, after a brief hospital stay following a massive heart attack.

Pasha Mosque

Pasha mosque, built in 1719 by Klič Alija of Montenegro

Scott Eric Allen

Odd, but I have a friend named Scott Eric Allen from my distant past (and recent present and future) and a friend from my recent past (and current present and future) named Eric Allen Benet. The two are so radically different from each other in so many ways that to even mention them in the same breathe speaks more about me and my relationship to language than about either of them.

Scott Eric Allen was one of my first true and great loves. Not in the sense that I wanted to be with him in any physical, emotional or spiritual way, but that I respected him, his opinion and ultimately, I trusted him. He was for me a bridge between the identity I felt I was beginning to assume in high school and the identity that people in high school thought I was supposed to assume. He tried to hook me up with cheerleaders and freshmen and even a slut here and there. But, when that didn't work for me, he was still a friend.

He underestimated the influence he had on me. And when he contacted me - out of the blue - a few years ago, I was confused and suspicious. But he had come to suspect that he might have been trying too hard to make me bend to a conformist world view. Quite the opposite. He was a touchstone. I needed to be grounded for the time being. He was what he needed to be for me at that time. He helped me realize that, even though I was not Scott Eric Allen, I could still be friends with someone like Scott Eric Allen. He was warm and loving. And, as I eventually came to understand, I wasn't so much of a freak as to be completely ostracized by all of society.

I saw him at our high school reunion just shy of two years ago and, of all the faces I saw, he had a wisdom in his eyes that I can't begin to explain. When he emailed me a few years back, he wanted to be sure that I was OK. And when he saw me, and when I saw him, I think we knew that we had remained a part of each others lives for the last twenty years. I am proud to say that he is still (and will always be) a part of me, my psyche and my life.

All of my love and respect to you, Scott.

p.s. He married his high school sweetheart Audrey and, I'm happy to report, has the perfect life for himself and his family.

Back in the Saddle

Well, actually, back on the treadmill. For those who haven't heard, I began an exercise routine this year. This is my first routine in over five years and quite seriously my first real exercise routine. A shout out to Sam Page, a personal trainer in LA that I paid a visit to toward the end of last year. He did an analysis of me and I was inspired by his findings - particularly, that I have pretty good stamina, if not good posture. With that, I began biking until my infamous crash and broken arm. Well, I was all healed by January and I came across a free two-month pass to Bally's. I used it and stuck with it and eventually decided to join.

Here is my routine: thirty minutes on the treadmill. I was originally doing fast walking on an incline for the whole session. I recently built up to fifteen minutes running (yes, RUNNING) and fifteen on the incline walking. Today, however, I ran eighteen minutes. I hope to get to a full thirty minute run in a few weeks. More bang for the buck.

Next, I do the weight stuff. I don't need to go through every machine, but I hit every major muscle area. I have a designed a card listing the exercises I perform and I track the weight I do. I have been gradually increasing the amount and have considered adding free weights. I meet with the Bally's trainer when I signed up and he walked me through the free weights and he thinks it is time for me to step it up.

Then, on to the elliptical for a final cardio routine. I was doing fifteen minutes but have worked up to twenty. On the elliptical, I go to 80% heart rate or more. That's where I end it. All takes about an hour and a half. And I love the amounyt of time that I can take to clear my mind. I have such energizing and creative thoughts during that time.

I have worked up a playlist that I use during the routine. When I run on the treadmill, I have a terrible sense of balance and just look at my feet the whole time. When I get to the running portion, I just decide to go for three or four songs. Don't look at the readouts on the machine until those songs have played. My favorite song right now is Hot Chip's Ready for the Floor. Of course, I have the seven minute remix!

My progress so far is a 5% drop in body weight, but much more energy, stamina, self-esteem, pride, etc. Also, my heart seems to be functioning better. I went into a-fib or flutter last week and converted back to normal sinus rhythm within 24 hours without having to go to the doctor or an emergency room. I am freaking loving my life right now. And I, for the first time in my life, can say I think I am in good health. Finally.

Tricia (Casler) Whitmire (and Vinc Whitmire)

I met Tricia while attending the University of Southern Mississippi. We were in a history class together and it was there we decided we were both Sophists. That was a long time ago, and one of my earliest introductions to philosophy. What can I say about Tricia? She quickly became a Punk in the sense that she held her own views and became amazingly individualistic. She had been in a marching band, but she would not be lock-step ever again. We, of course, discussed the poetry of Morrissey (when he was with The Smiths) and how the words he sang were the most profound we had heard at the time. We also thought about places like Botswana, my initial introduction to global political thought.

Tricia went on to join the Navy. I thought it odd that she would take her nose ring out and put on a uniform, but I would never judge her. After all, so many people in my life have been fiercely patriotic and served their country proudly: my friend Wally Williamson became a Marine while I was still in high school, my friend Glen E. Harrison was in the Air Force (and later the Peace Corp), my partner Clay R. Russell was in the Navy. I was always aware that I could not join the forces had I wanted to, and I might have wanted to. With my heart, and with being gay, it was a club I couldn't join.

But, I assume part of her motivation to join the Navy was based on the fact that her family (father and brother(s)) had been in the service. Her love for her family and it's tradition won her over to the idea. And I feared she would loss her individuality. When you're young, you think that 'individuality' can be lost, or worst yet, taken away from you. It can't be taken away, it has to be surrendered, and Tricia was too strong to surrender hers.

I was so proud to know that she was at the ceremony (acting as a translator) returning Hong Kong sovereignty to China in 1997. This was a quantum leap from sitting together in a junior history class to actually witnessing history in the making. I had a similar feeling for myself when I was in Montenegro just after they declared independence. And, I have a similar feeling for my friend Rushit Veliu who just celebrated independence in Kosovo on February 17, 2008. And I am also proud that through her time in the Navy she has met her life's love Vinc and they will continue to make their own history together.

Kelly J. Kitchens

Kelly J. Kitchens is one of the most gregarious people I have ever met. I have never seen her angry at another human being. I know she has to have her down days (like when she had the leak and it ruined all of her office, or the tumor, or the other MAJOR things), but she seems to always see the light through the tunnel. She is blessed to have met her soulmate Mark and to have a career of her choosing. When we were in high school, she was on yearbook where she, believe it or not, made up quotes and attributed them to me. Mostly things about David Sylvan & Japan or The Thompson Twins or other bands she loved. Point is, even then she was finding a way to promote her favorites in print. As a publicist, she has passion for the people and projects she takes on. To learn more about her, she has a personal blog at Herd of Words and her business site is at Kelly Kitchens PR. Tell her Calvin sent you...

Health Update #2

A more step-by-step procedural post...

Saturday
10:00 PM Take last 20mg dose of Verapamil till procedure

Monday
4:00 PM Dr. Dana Eisenman runs a baseline EKG. Gives me a flu shot. Looks in my ears, nose and throat (For what? The problem's the heart. He's thorough). Order blood and x-ray.

4:30 PM Downstairs lab pulls three vials of blood. Gives me a "You're a hero" sticker I use as a bookmark.

4:45 PM Get to x-ray lab and get two chest x-rays. Back to machine and right side, arms up to machine. Leaving lab, notice door says closes at 4:30.

Friday
4:30 AM Up for quick shower. Out the door by 5:00.

5:30 AM Arrive Cedar Sinai and with in 10 minutes, walked to 6th floor Cardio Cath Lab Lobby. With in 5 minutes, asked for money and signing releases (What exactly is a Health Care Directive?). Within 1 minute, called back to lab.

6:00 AM Strip down and neatly put street clothes in plastic bag. Put 'gown' open on the back (What's the point? Later I am unconscious and naked, anyway). After having Anthony shave places no man (gay or straight) should every shave someone, I hear him say to a nurse "The last guy I shaved tipped me, the procedure worked perfectly and he never had to come back." At least they are now using electric razors. One #20 gauge IV is inserted into my lower left arm. They start to wheel me in and I say, "Can I at least say 'bye' to Clay?" They're not rude, just super fast about it all. I later learn there's a back up in cardio caths.

6:05 AM Move to Cardio Cath Lab where three people are doing a variety of things. Most obvious is that they are talking about the Jazz playing in the room. Also, they ask if I have a iPod I want to listen to (oops, forgot to bring that to the Cardio Cath Lab). Story about drunk guy at bar listening to Coltrane playing for 15 minutes straight who stands up and slurs, "When ya gonna quit warmin' up an get ta playin?"

Moving me from my gurney to the procedure bed, one is sticking cold sensors about 8 inches square to my bare chest and back, hooking up wires while another is arranging curved Lucite arm rests that hold me in place. I don't know where the gown is. Someone is uncovering the bottom half of me. The last guy is Fred and he puts what I thought was oxygen on my face. One minute later, I'm asleep.

2:00 PM I wake up and think, where am I. Clock on the wall. Thought I was in the Cath Lab Prep room but I'm in my recovery room. I now have air compresses at the three entry points (right & left groin and neck). Better than the sandbag compresses used last time, more gentle. Instructions are to lay flat and still for four hours. Not as easy as it sounds. Between this and having the urethra catheter pulled, I'm not sure which is worse.

2:30 PM EKG, blood pressure machine goes off every 15 minutes. Just keep in mind, it is tightly wrapped and when you least expect it, it tightens more than an anaconda python.

5:30 PM I get into a discussion with the nurse about going ahead and pulling the urethra catheter but they say not to. I need to go. I can’t wait. Just use the catheter they say. I begin to, but it isn’t in right and so I’m lying in a pool of my own urine. At least I feel it wasn’t really my fault. They decide to go ahead and pull it now. Not a good feeling at all.

5:55 PM Finally, I can get out of my puddle and clean up. I must dress for dinner.

6:00 PM Brisket, mashed potatoes, peas, salad. Not bad really. Sitting up and able to bend my legs. Must stay seated for two hours.

6:30 PM One more test is needed. A CAT Scan. The 20 gauge needle in my fore arm is too far away for the heart so an identical 20 gauge needle is put 6 inches further up the arm. But wait. You just ate. Needs to be four hours after your meal. No food or water till it’s done. Maybe 10:30 or 11:00.

11:00 PM Haven’t heard yet so no water, no midnight snack. CAT room is backed up. Very busy.

Saturday
12:00 AM Still gonna have it done. Calling down every 30 minutes. Hold tight. Emergencies are going first.

2:00 AM I go to bed (they changed the sheets earlier).

2:05 AM Nurse does another battery of vitals. Puts the blood pressure machine on once an hour. When I doze off, I keep suddenly jerking awake. I notice that when I awake with a start I feel very differently than before. I used to wake with a few flutters and skipped beats. Now, I don’t feel my heart but I feel a rush of warmth to my extremities, which I later decide id adrenaline which used to just cause the heart rhythms. It is a good feeling to have your heart beat correctly.

3:05 AM Wake up when blood pressure machine goes off. Call nurse for water, but I’m two patients away from having the scan done. Eat or drink nothing.

4:05 AM Time for vitals. Like they can’t see from the heart monitor that I’m still alive.

5:05 AM Wake up when blood pressure machine goes off. Call nurse for water, but I’m two patients away from having the scan done. Eat or drink nothing.

6:05 AM Time for CAT scan. Go downstairs, get put into a tube, shoot in some iodine and hold breath. Iodine feels warm inside the body but mostly at the throat and the groin. Whole thing takes 10 minutes. Oh, and the room I’m wheeled to has space for 20 beds and is completely empty. Have been all night. Just no staff to do it. Should have known it’d be in the morning. Should have been able to drink water before bed, etc.

7:00 AM Back in room. Lovely breakfast of French toast, scrambled eggs and mini-wheat cereal, pears, cranberry juice. All pretty tasty.

9:00AM Last consult with Dr. Salvo who performed the ablation with Whaung and Gallik. Very interesting case. Same spider web type of procedure and scarring in the heart but seems to have gotten all. No physical exertion for a week or so. Easy bike rides ok. No lifting of 25 pounds for a week. Limit alcohol to one glass a day for 10 days (we’ll see about that). No prescriptions. Very good prognosis.

10:00AM Home. Take shower. Remove groin bandages to reveal 8 inch charcoal purple bruise on left side.

Health Update #1

I am AOK or now, but the doctor's suggest I set up a Porsche fund.

The last time I had this done, the procedure was $83,000. I've had this done four times now. My regular doctor did number one and two. A specialist was called in from Utah for three and four. So, I'm probably up to $400,000 by now. Throw in the $1000 doctor's office visits and the emergency room visits and the electrocardioversion and we are at $500,000.

I may not be the six-million dollar man, but I'm well on my way to being the one-million dollar man!! If my insurance co-pay was 20 percent, we're talking about a PORSCHE, aren't we? I first thought I was looking at $20,000, but soon realized I was talking about $200,000. Luckily, the co-pay is just 10% so get those checks coming!!! ( Just kidding, really. The State plan is 100% with a $50 hospital co-pay each visit, so my true out of pocket has been just probably less than $300 or $400 over the last 5 or so years this has been going on. *** good luck Clay decided to marry me, at least in a domestic partner state!)

Good night for now. Prime time TV starts in a bit and Cedars-Sinai has about thirty channels and NO guide so I'll be spending an hour fiding out what's on just in time for what I want to see to be going off!!

Hope to see you all soon.